I can categorically state that Madonna should never, ever
again – no matter how sincerely she sings Time Stood Still
– be appointed executive producer of a soundtrack.
Now I’m no Madonna knocker. Who’d want to be? –
you might end up being stuffed in a cone bra. Sure she’s no
virtuoso. But she sings with character, dances with flare, acts
with attitude and continually reinvents her image with the
instincts of a chameleon.
However, one listen to this blancmange of boring beats and its
perfectly obvious that her choice of songs, artists and
production has missed the mark with unwavering inaccuracy. From
Christina Aguilera’s more kitsch than cute Don’t Make
Me Love You, to the shocking affront to the sense of hearing that
is Olive’s "performance" of I’m Not in Love,
this is the Next Most Uninspiring Thing since Milli Vanilli sans
Maddona’s two personal contributions are actually the
best of the songs, although the William Orbit arrangement of
American Pie overlooks the fact that all the little guitar and
piano fills of Don Maclean's original were half its charm.
The CD concludes with a wonderful excerpt from the Gabriel
Yared score, but it’s too little, too late, and too out
place with the other tracks, to redeem this contemptible
I have no doubt this soundtrack will sell like hotcakes –
and be just as enduring. Such a shame it will almost certainly
leave a soundtrack like the locally produced Sample People –
also built around spacey techno reworkings of classic rock –
in its chart-dominating wake. The Sample People soundtrack is
feisty if flawed, and infinitely superior to this sonic sudser.
If you do feel an urgent urge for a mix of new and retro-based
trippy techno be one of the more discerning minority who buy that