Urban Cinefile
"The only 'ism' in Hollywood is plagiarism."  -Dorothy Parker
 The World of Film in Australia - on the Internet Updated Friday May 22, 2020 

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BRAD GREEN is back. Take a load off and sip a coffee/tea over his latest Urban Sillyfile.

Just for the record… the theory that I come up with these little slices of wit and whimsy while daydreaming during Sunday Mass (Urban Sillyfile 3) is close, but doesn't quite get the cigar. In fact, I'm from a long line of Jewish-atheists by heritage and by faith a Fanatical Farce Fetishist; the devout practice of which involves dressing in full Austin Powers attire, sitting in the lotus position and repeating the mantra "Groovy Baby" in front of endless repeats of "Abbott and Costello Go To Mars". Inspired once again by such a session, Urban Sillyfiles continues…

Potential Epitaphs

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger: I'll be back!

2. George Lucas: Of course I'm planning a sequel.

3. Elizabeth Taylor: Eight Weddings and a Funeral.

4. Meg Ryan: Finally, a part in a deep plot.

5. Michael Lauter: Underground director.

6. Danny DeVito: Somehow my life seemed very short.

7. Bruce Willis: It wasn't so hard after all.

8. Sean Connery: Only once was good enough for me.

9. Warren Beatty: If Ishtar couldn't stuff my career, I can't see this being a problem.

10. Shirley Maclaine: I've done it before… and I'll do it again.

Return of the Cowboy Copywriter (writes ad-lines without seeing the movie):

The Craic: Sharp-edged portrayal of the trials and tribulations of a dyslexic coke addict.

Singing in the Rain: Entertaining feature documentary about the history of the Wimbledon tennis tournament. Classic footage of those impromptu Cliff Richard performances during rain delays is a highlight.

"10": The inimitable Roberto Benigni wrote, directed and stars in this stirring tale of a watermelon grower whose prize fruit is awarded a perfect "10" at a local agriculture show. After jumping atop his seat in excitement he accidentally falls off and discovers a latent talent for the double twist and pike. Now bound for the Olympics, can he score another perfect "10"?

The Last of the Mohicans: Sequel to "Spotswood", the quirky Australian production about a financially embattled moccasin factory, is full of sole. This time proprietor, Mr. Ball, is determined not to be caught flat-footed - even with the creditors about to put the boot in. His idiosyncratic staff may not be a well-heeled bunch but they aren't loafers and when Mr. Ball puts his foot down they step up the pace. Despite almost slipping on a misguided attempt to kick along business with a new footwear style - "Mohicans" - Balls survives by a shoestring.

Cookie's Fortune: Jim Henson's legacy still has plenty of crunch as perennial favourite, Cookie Monster, wins the lottery and embarks on a mission to take over Arnott's Biscuits.

Men in Black: The antics of a couple of sartorially splendid undertakers may not seem likely material for humour but this very black comedy - in nature as well as name - employs some Evelyn Waugh-style satire to find the funny side of funerals.

The Third Man: Madcap adventure starring Billy Birmingham (Australia's irreverent impersonator of cricket commentators) on a mission to unravel mankind's most impenetrable modern mystery - the origination of the terms for cricket's fielding positions such as "short square leg", "close backward point" and of course "third man".

The Mummy: Following her television alter ego Fran Fine's marriage, Fran Drescher took the opportunity to yell/twang/nasalise "it's a wrap!" by directing as well as starring in this good natured comedy that announces her metamorphosis from TV's The Nanny to the silver screen's The Mummy - well step-mummy anyway. Drescher was actually intent on becoming The Mommy but realised too late that a contract had already been wrapped up with an Australian screenwriter.

A Thousand Clowns: This feature-length documentary takes a fascinating look inside Australia's Federal Parliament.

Austin Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me: Did the 1989 film Scandal - based on the events surrounding the British political sex-scandal known as the Profumo affair - really tell the whole story? Could Profumo's notorious paramour, Christine Keeler, not only have been sharing intimate bodily secrets (if not state secrets) with a Russian agent, but also partaking in a round or two of I spy your pistol with Britain's very own shagedelic, eminently groovy, international man of mystery Austin Powers? Yeah Baby!

The 10 Dumbest Things to Say on a Date at the Movies:

1. Wow, this is the most deep and meaningful film I've seen since Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

2. Could you read out the subtitles to me? Reading gives me a headache.

3. Is Leonardo DiCaprio related to that guy who painted the Mona Lisa?

4. Damn, there's a really tall person sitting in front of me; I don't suppose you'd swap seats for a share of my popcorn?

5. Give me a leg-up and I'll show you my Roberto Benigni-winning-an-Oscar impersonation.

6. I reckon Cher must have had almost as much plastic surgery as you.

7. If you were an inch taller and had a tad more hair I reckon you'd be the spitting image of Danny DeVito.

8. You think Percy Grainger was kinky? Wait until I tell you about my fantasies.

9. I think Austin Powers must have been rummaging in my wardrobe.

10. That Austin Powers doesn't shag as well as I do, baby!

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George Lucas

Liz Taylor - (Could that be editor Andrew Urban in the photo, standing behind Liz?)

Meg Ryan

Danny Devito

Sean Connery

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